It's a sunday afternoon, I've booked the day off work to do more productive things like improve my career and go through paper work, but this is not what i'm doing. I've been watching Sex and the city since noon and having bed rest with a sprained shoulder.
Watching Sex & The City as inspired me and made me think alot. Certainly made me go straight to the laptop and write this. Why, because I have recently been having the "Carrie experience". Take how I sprained my shoulder. I sprained it in a club, on a date and slipped on a wet floor fell over wearing fabulous shoes! and yes my date had to literally pick me off the floor. What a gentleman. How embarrassing. I really liked this guy as well so I thought to myslef, what the hell am I doing. I had broken all my rules. One of which was NEVER to go clubbing on a date, let alone a first date! .
So why was I here, it started off so nice, we went to the Loft bar, a cool little hidden bar in clapham for late 20 somethings. We then moved onto a nice little gay bar down in north clapham. 2 hours later I was drunk in a club and falling over a wet floor in cuban hills with one of the hottest guys i've been out with in a while. I must have be nervous, but also wierdly a little too confident.
Where did this confidence come from. Well it came from my past year dating experience. I was sitting there in my classic "1st date" outfit, my lucky undies on and holding the lofts finest china over sized wine glass, swerlling my wine around in this huge glass and flirting the hell out of this glass. But I knew exactly what I was doing. The reason why is because I had done it all before. And often.
Valentines day is upon us which is when I was just in my last relationship, since then i've been on dates with at least 7 different guys. Still not in a relationship (which is fine). My question is..... is this ok? Am I becoming abit to accustom to dating. I admit. Some of the guys would have made reasonable partners. But should I be looking for reasonable or should I be looking for Mr perfect? Gone are the days were I am up in the club, having way too much fun then I should be having. I'm looking for I guess sensibility, something real, something meaningful.
But I hate to admit it, I have loved dating so much in the past year! I have had so much fun and learned so much. Who doesn't like a free dinner or drinks and dressing up and going out. Its not all for nothing, I'm not dating for the sake of dating. But the attention has been nice. I've certainly not put myself on a pedestal. One guy I went on 6 dates with, but after all those diners, drinks and walks along the river it took too long for him to open up and he was just nice! But had no spice to him. I'm not talking about sex, I mean he was just there!
Sometimes I ask myself... Do I really need spice and how important is it? Can you have a relationship with someone if your a dominate, outgoing and maybe a "Wild thing" in the words of Miss Hepburn and have the other person be a shy and timid person. I mean what is "marriage material"? Not too say i'm looking to get married soon, But what should I REALLY be looking for?
Should they be fun and exciting or does this not exist? Do the party animals change? Do we just stop wearing Zara, River Island and Dolace and instead start wearing Burtons and marks & Spencer basics and stay in and play house! Does the party ever end in London?
Any one who knows me knows that I have a reputation for going out with older guys. I'm somehow drawn to them and they drawn to me! But I do ask myself why this is. Am I just the fun play thing?, or do they really want to settle down but still need someone fun and bubbly in their life. My mother as well as my sister think I shouldn't be going out with older guys as we would be in different places in life and different. But yet why are they so attracted to me in the first place. I don't see myself a young whore play thing. This is because I don't sleep around town and they know I don't. I mean recently I having been thinking alot about marriage. I certainly do want to get married. But still want to sit down and have life experience. Part of this life experience I guess includes dating.
I'm ready to get back into a relationship, but how does one put this across in subtle way? One guy I dated at the end of last year cried when I ended things. I don't meant to air out his dirty laundry and obviously I've not named names. I mean we were not even in a relationship. He was so nice but way to clingy too fast. This after alot of consideration put me off alot.
I mean at the time I was dating one other guy as well as him, So I didn't get my heart involved too quickly. You should always have your guard up! I've learned this. I did warn him as well. But I felt so bad, but I did not lead him on. People have said "oh this must be a huge boost for your self esteem ". To be honest it really has not. No one wants or likes a broken heart. But I did like the idea of having options and dating and meeting various guys. But most of all I liked the idea of sticking to the dating rules and tactics.
I don't mean games or anything like that, but I like the whole procedure of it all. When to call them, what emocon to use on whats app, what shoes to wear? Knowing what to say and what time? How to change to conversation from where did you grown up and how many brothers and sisters do you have into something so much more passionate and deep.
These days I don't even know my rules or procedures because the older I get , the more they change.
I have grown up and moved on so much, Recently went to see Taylor Swift live. (wanted to see her for ages for very personal reasons). Anyone who knows anything about Miss Swift knows she is an amazing song writer and not just some frigid pop star. Her songs are emotionally very well written and she conveys every emotion i've ever had in terms of my love life. So seeing her live and hearing her talk about her life and us as swift fans knowing she's gone through what I have , should have brought me to tears. But it didn't. The reason? Because I was over it, and life actually is good, any heartbreak I've had and running around town with all these emotions has totally been transformed into just good life experience and lessons learned. But is that it? Have I learnt everything there is to learn emotionally when just dating. Has the wurl wind of it all been done and finished?
As much as I love the idea of my dating life consisting of wearing fabulous clothes, having fabulous friends and sipping on martinis and "working it bitch" as britney would say...... and having the "carrie experience", In the long run is that really what I want and is it worth it going through all that to find Mr right? Didn't carrie just end up with the same guy, 6 years down the line what will be made of me? What will happen when i'm a 30 something instead of a 20 something!
Will all I have left be good shoes and bar bills taking up too much space in my trouser pockets? Or Will I be leaving Paris in the wee hours of the morning running back to the love of my life,